This isn’t a post you’ll see on Facebook or Twitter. This would never appear in Family Matters; this is personal. I resisted texting my wife today a text she has seen many times, “depression is winning today”. There are days when I sit silently in my chair, the TV is on, some mindless sports are on or some bargain hunt property show on HGTV, but I’m not there. I’m “fiscally motivated”, I like to work because some day I want to retire. I want to go to bed when I’m tired and get up when I’m not. I presented the go to bed philosophy many years ago and was told that’s not a real goal. Normally I can’t pinpoint what’s dropped me into the dark zone but today’s depression is easy to track.
On Monday night I was pondering when I can or should retire. My original fantasy of 55 won’t happen and when I do retire I don’t want to work, at all, with the exception of selling things or cash jobs for fun, but nothing structured. I decided to look up what my Social Security will be and when I can retire with that as part of my income. The age, 67, works, the dividend, (I say dividend because if SS folds the government best give me back what I’ve put in and my employers have put in over the years or I will revolt), is $1500 a month. My teaching retirement for online at 67 should be $300 a month and whatever else I set up in the next 18 years say $200 a month; $2000 in total. In my mind that’s not enough; cue depression. I currently have a contract to design a class and some training’s that do make money but the depression is winning, energy non-existent.
Part of my process is to write it out. In the past I’d go shoot hoops but bad this and bad that prevent me from doing that. Write it out….wait it out….fight it out; beating depression isn’t the correct term; living with it is. This is part of writing it out, then I’ll start on one of my projects, make money, feel better; sadly this will always be a losing proposition.